Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
