meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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