he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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