After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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