Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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