I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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