I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
