Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
