The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
