Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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