do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
