the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
