Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You pole danced in your parka.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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