I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
