In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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