Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
