there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
