He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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