i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
