Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover