oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
