Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
