toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think i have two assholes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
