Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
