If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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