i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
