During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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