My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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