I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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