I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
