I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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