I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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