...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
