never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
