i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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