good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
if only i could text you this smell
Four minutes until I can fart!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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