If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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