I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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