She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
