i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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