I will die if light touches me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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