I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
