He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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