Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
