My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
