he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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