they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
