as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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