i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
