I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
