I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
