Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
