i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
