I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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