I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
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And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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